Most of my life thinking was pretty easy for me. I loved thinking. Reading, writing, designing software and engaging in spirited debates.
When I learned that one of the symptoms of Dercum’s Disease is Dementia I was frightened. I wondered how it would happen and if I knew that it was happening. Part of me doesn’t want to share this with you because it would sound like a cheap way to make people feel sorry for me.
Aside from my daily catatonic episodes, I’ve found that any type of thinking feels like hard work. Even writing this feels like a struggle to find the words and put them down here. I’ve never experienced the feeling that I would forgo day to day activities that I loved because the thinking was too difficult.
I first noticed that I could no longer play online multiplayer games because everything moved so fast. I used to love to play these games and now I have all the time in the world but I no longer enjoy them because it feels like such hard work to play them. Yesterday I wanted to play but had to give up after a couple of games and found myself exhausted.
Even trying to watch a new TV show feels like hard work. Having to learn the characters and keeping my eyes open. I tried switching to audio books but they are nearly as difficult to follow because I have such trouble concentrating.
Now I spend hours just listening to ambient mixes on Sound Cloud in a kind of haze. I spend my days running from severe pain any way I possibly can. I wanted to go to church Sunday but just couldn’t make myself do it.
I spend a good deal of time inside myself. The lights are on but no one is home. It’s peaceful there. If you see me like this don’t worry, I’m not afraid. One day, I will go inside and never come out. I don’t know when this will happen but when it does, I think it will be a good thing.
Writing this is very hard but I’ll try to keep writing` as long as I can.